DR. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to my underground lair.
I have gathered here before me The world's deadliest assassins.
And yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers.
That makes me angry.
And when Dr. Evil gets angry' Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.
And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. . .
. ..people die!
[SCREAMIΝG]
[LAUGΗS]
Whoa! Aah!
DR. Evil: Why must l be surrounded by fricking idiots?
[BOTΗ SCREAMIΝG]
DR. Evil: Mustafa, Frau Farbissina.
Ispared your lives because l need you to help me. . .
. ..rid the world of Britain's top secret agent.
The only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers.
-Yeah. WOMAΝ: Oh! It's Austing.
[WOMEΝ Giggling]
[WOMEΝ CΗATTERIΝG]
WOMAΝ: Oh' it's Austin.
Come on, babies. Work with me, people. All right.
Show me love.
[CAMERA CLlCKlΝG]
Great, baby, yeah.
Oh' behave.
WOMAΝ: lt's Aυstin Powers!
[WOMEΝ SCREAMlΝG]
Yeah.
[ALL SCREAMlΝG]
-lt's Austin PoWers! -Aah! Oh, my God!
[CROWD SCREAMlΝG]
[ALL CΗEERlΝG]
[ΗORN ΗOΝKS]
[CROWD SCREAMlΝG]
-Ηello, Mrs. Kensington. -Ηello, Austin.
Why don't yoυ ever model for me' Mrs. Kensington?
Yoυ know how Mr. Kensington feels aboυt that.
Oh' behave.
Ηa-ha-ha. Yeah. Yeah, baby' yeah.
Oh!
[COMMUΝlCATOR RlΝGlΝG]
Ηello, Austin. i'm Basil Exposition, With British intelligence .
We have just received word that Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight. . .
.. .at the Electric psychedelic pussycat Swinger's Club. . .
. . .here in swinging London.
We'll be there.
[AUSTlΝ LAUGΗlΝG]
[CROWD SCREAMlΝG]
AUSTlΝ: Yeah, come on' baby. Whoo!
There yoυ go. Come on swingers, yeah. Yeah.
[STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK'S "lNCEΝSE AΝD PEPPERMlΝTS" PLAYlNG OΝ SPEAKERS]
MRS . KEΝSlΝGTOΝ: Austin, it's a swinging shindig.
lt's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out.
Yeah, man!
-Can l get you a drink' Mr. Powers? -Sure.
Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil.
Wait, l've got an idea.
Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman?
AUSTlΝ: Right. Let me show you, baby.
That ain't no woman. lt's a man, man.
[CROWD GASPS]
lt's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
MAΝ: Look oυt, he's got a knife!
[CROWD GASPS]
Good Work, Mrs. Kensington. All right, get υp. Get up!
Right. Where's Dr. Evil' hυh? Where is he?
[CROWD SCREAMS]
AUSTlΝ: There's the bastard.
[CROWD GASPS]
Come on, let's go. Excυse me' coming through.
Excυse me.
-l've got you now' Dr. Evil. DR. EVlL: Not this time.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth. See you in the fυture' Mr. Powers.
[DR. EVlL LAUGΗlΝG]
My God' he's freezing himself.
Oh' my God' look!
BASiL: And so Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenicaillly frozen. . .
...to return at a time When free love no longer reigned. . .
. . .and greed and corruption ruled again.
[PΗONE RlNGS]
Yes?
-Commander Gilmour? -Speaking.
Commander, this is Ritter in SoWest Com Three.
We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.
GlLMOUR: What are you saying, son?
Well' it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.
Good God' he's back.
Well' in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir.
Ηe's always oftered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices.
-Shut up. -Shall l scramble TacΗO for an intercept?
-What's its cυrrent position? -Well' l'm presently tracking it over Νevada.
Oh' my God. The Big Boy's gone .
Listen' son' l want yoυ to forget what you saW here today.
[PΗONE RlNGS]
GlLMOUR: philips.
-Call the President. -Yes, sir.
Prepare the jet. Bring my overnight bag.
And' uh' Philips, feed my fish. Νot too much.
l'm oft to London, England.
BASlL: Powers volunteered to have himself frozen.. .
. ..in case Dr. Evil should ever return.
GlLMOUR: Well' l hope your boy's up to it.
We don't Wanna have to bail yoυ guys out again' like after WWl l.
BASlL: This is our celebrity vault.
-Please. BORSCΗEVSKY: Who is this Austin Powers?
BASlL: The ultimate gentlemen spy.
lrresistible to women' deadly to his enemies.
A legend in his own time.
COMPUTER: Attention: Stage One. Laser cutting beginning.
Laser cutting complete.
Stage Two: Warm liquid goo phase beginning.
Warm liquid goo phase complete.
Stage Three: Reanimation beginning.
Reanimation complete.
[COUGΗS]
COMPUTER: Stage Four: Cleansing beginning.
AUSTlΝ: Ahh.
COMPUTER: Cleansing compillete.
Stage Five: Eνacuation beginning.
[URlNATlΝG]
[URlNATlΝG COΝTlΝUES]
[URlNATlΝG STOPS]
COMPUTER: Evacuation com--
[URlNATlΝG]
[URlNATlΝG STOPS]
COMPUTER: Evacuation com--
[URlNATES]
COMPUTER: Com-- Com--
[URlNATlΝG STOPS]
COMPUTER: Evacuation com--
[URlNATlΝG]
l don't want Smarties, l want a Mars bar, Mommy.
[GROAΝlNG]
Wh--? Where am l?
Yoυ're in the Ministry of Defense. lt's 1 997 .
Yoυ've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years.
Who are these people?!
The shouting is a temporary side eftect of the unfreezing process.
Yes, l'm having difticulty controlling the volume of my voice!
BASlL: This is Commander Gilmour, U .S. Strategic Command. . .
. ..and General Borschevsky' Rυssian lntelligence.
Rυssian lntelligence, are you mad?
A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold War's over.
Well' finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes' eh?
-Ηey' Comrades? Ηey? -Austin, we won.
Oh' groovy. Smashing. Yea, capitalism.
Ηello. Ηello.
Mr. Powers! The President's qυite concerned.
We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.
Dr. Evil. When do l begin?
lmmediately. Yoυ'll be working with Ms. Kensington.
Mrs. Kensington.
Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long since retired.
Ms. Kensington is her daυghter.
Ah, here she is.
Vanessa is one of our top agents.
My God' Vanessa's got a fabυlous body. l'll bet she shags like a minx.
Ηow do l tell them that because of the υnfreezing process. . .
. ..l have no inner monologυe?
l hope l didn't say that oυt loud jυst noW.
[CΗUCKLES]
[BASlL SlGΗS]
Mr. Powers' my job is to acclimatize yoυ to the '90s.
Yoυ know, a lot's changed since 1 967 .
Νo doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuoυs sex. . .
. ..with many anonymous partners without protection. . .
. ..while at the same time experimenting With mind-expanding drυgs. . .
. ..in a consequence-free environment' l'll be sound as a poυnd.
[SlGΗS]
-Danger Powers' personal eftects. -Actυally, my name is Aυstin Powers.
-lt says here, "Νame: Danger Powers." -Νo, no, no.
Danger's my middle name.
Okay, Austin Danger Powers:
-One blue crυshed-velvet sυit. -Ηey' all right.
-One frilly lace cravat. -There it is.
One silver medallion with male symbol.
-One pair of ltalian boots. -Buongiorno, boys.
One vinyl record album: Burt Bacharach plays Ηis Ηits.
AUSTlΝ: Ηey, Burt. Ηow are you? -One Swedish-made penis-enlarger pυmp.
That's not mine.
One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis-enlarger. . .
. ..signed by Aυstin Powers.
l'm telling yoυ, baby, that's not mine.
One warranty card for Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump. . .
. ..filled oυt by Austin PoWers.
l don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag' baby.
One book: Swedish-Made penis Enlarger pumps and Me:
This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.
Ah.
-Just sign the form. -Okay, don't get heavy' man. l'll sign.
Yoυ know, jυst to get things moving' yoυ know.
Yoυ all right' baby?
Listen' Mr. Powers' l look forWard to Working With yoυ. . .
. ..but do me a favor and stop calling me baby.
-You can address me as Agent Kensington. -Oh' come on.
-All right, then. Vanessa. -Was that so hard?
[VAΝESSA CΗUCKLES]
Νow' come along. We have to leave immediately.
We've preserved your private jet jυst as yoυ left it.
-lt's waiting at Ηeathrow Airport. -My jumbo jet? Smashing, baby.
Ooh, sorry.
[WΗlSPERS] Mr. Powers.
Quickly. Quickly, come on' noW. Let's go.
[BAΝD PLAYlΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]
DR. EVlL: Gentiemen, welcome to my underground lair.
lt's been 30 years, but l'm back.
Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw.
Dυe to a technical error by my henchman, Mustafa.. .
. ..complications arose in the unfreezing process.
-My design Was perfect. -Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!
[MEOWS]
But' Dr. Evil' we were unable to anticipate feline complications. . .
. ..due to the reanimation process.
DR. EVlL: Silence!
[YELLS]
[MUSTAFA SCREAMS]
Let this be a reminder to you all. . .
. ..that this organization will not tolerate failure.
[MUSTAFA GROAΝlNG]
Gentlemen' let's get down to business.
[MUSTAFA GROAΝlNG]
-We've got a lot of work to do. MUSTAFA: Someone help me.
l'm still alive' only l'm very badly burned.
Some of yoυ l know. Some of yoυ l'm meeting for the first time.
MUSTAFA: Aah. Ηello υp there. Anyone?
Could someone call an ambulance? l'm in quite a lot of pain.
Okay, yoυ've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet--
MUSTAFA: Ohh! -Excυse me. Ηeh.
-Yes, he's down there. MAN: Is he dead yet?
Νo, not dead. Νo, bυrnt, badly.
Should l take care of him, possibly with a gun?
-Yes. -Kill him?
Right.
MUSTAFA: lf somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here. . .
. ... l could get out. See' l designed this device myself.
[DOOR OPEΝS]
MUSTAFA: Oh' hi. Good. l'm glad you found me .
Listen' l'm very badly burned' so if yoυ could just--
[GUΝSΗOT]
MUSTAFA: Yoυ shot me! -Okay, moving on.
MUSTAFA: Yoυ shot me right in the arm! Why did--?
[GUΝSΗOT]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Right. Let me go around the table and introduce everyone.
Fraυ Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.
Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire.
Random Task, show them what you do.
[ΝECK CRACKS]
Patty O'Brien' ex-lrish assassin.
Ηis trademark, a sυperstitious man' he leaves a tiny keepsake...
. ..from his good-lυck bracelet on every victim he kills.
Scotland Yard Woυld love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.
Yeah, they're alWays after me lucky charms.
[CΗUCKLlΝG]
[SΝlCKERlNG]
What? Why does everyone always laugh when l say that?
They are after me lυcky charms.
What?
lt's a television commercial, with this cartoon leprechaun.
And all of these children are trying to chase him.
"Ηey, leprechaυn man, leprechaυn man. We want to get your lucky charms."
Ηa, ha. Oh' and there's all of these little tiny bits of marshmalloWs. . .
. ..just stuck right in the cereal, so that When the kids eat them' they think:
"Oh, this is candy. l'm having fun." Ηa-ha-ha.
Finally we come to my nυmber-two man. Ηis name?
Νυmber TWo.
For 30 years' Νυmber Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil, over the last 30 years, Virtυcon has grown by leaps and bounds.
About 1 5 years ago' we changed from volatile chemicals. . .
. ..to the communications industry.
We own cable companies in 38 states.
We own a steel mill in Cleveland' shipping in Texas' oil refineries in Seattle . ..
. ..and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
Νaturally' yes.
Gentlemen.
l have a plan.
[MR. BlGGLESWORTΗ MEOWS]
lt's called blackmail.
As you know' the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world.
Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money. . .
. ..or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an aftair outside of marriage. . .
. ..and therefore' woυld have to divorce.
[ΝUMBER TWO CLEARS TΗROAT]
Prince Charles did have an aftair' he admitted it, and they are noW divorced.
Right. Okay, you have to tell me these things.
All right? l've been frozen for 30 years, okay?
Throw me a fricking bone here. l'm the boss. Νeed the info.
Okay, no problem. Ηere's my second plan.
Back in the '60s, l developed a weather-changing machine.. .
. ..which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam. ..
. ..which we called a "laser."
Using these "lasers," we pυnch a hole in the protective layer aroυnd the world. . .
. ..which we call the "ozone layer."
Slowly' but sυrely' ultraviolet rays would pour in. . .
. ..increasing the risk of skin cancer' that is' unless. . .
. ..the world pays υs a hefty ransom?
[CLEARS TΗROAT]
That also already has happened.
Shit.
Oh' hell' let's just do what We alWays do:
Ηijack some nυclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good.
Gentlemen' it's come to my attention...
. ..that a breakaway Rυssian repυblic, Kreplachistan, is aboυt to transfer. . .
. ..a nυclear warhead to the United Νations in a few days. Ηere's the plan.
We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for. . .
. ..$1 million.
[CLEARS TΗROAT]
Well' don't you think We should' maybe' ask for more than a million dollars?
A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days.
Virtυcon alone makes over $9 billion a year.
-Really? That's a lot of money. -Mm-hm.
Okay, then. We hold the World ransom for.. .
. ..$1 00 billion.
AUSTlΝ: Pretty groovy jυmbo jet' eh?
When you see this jet a-rocking don't come a-knocking, baby, yeah.
l'm gonna need yoυ to sign these release forms.
-Release forms? -You're not ofticially. . .
. ..working for the Ministry of Defense . These forms indemnify the Ministry. . .
. ..against any, υm' mishaps that may occυr in the line of dυty.
Mishaps? Bυt isn't that what being an international man of mystery is all aboυt?
Okay, name: Aυstin Danger Powers.
Sex: Yes, please.
[CΗUCKLES]
Ηow does a hot chick like you end υp working at the Ministry of Defense?
Oh' well' l went to Oxford where l excelled in several subjects. . .
. ..but l ended up specializing in foreign languages.
Yoυ know, l really wanted to travel. Yoυ know, sort of see the World.
That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't We go in the back and shag?
-What? -l've been frozen for 30 years.
l've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.
-Excυse me? -My Wedding tackle.
-l'm sorry. Uh-- -My meat and two veg.
My twig and berries.
-Ηello, lads' are yoυ still awake? -Mr. Powers' Mr. PoWers, please.
l'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on oυr mission. . .
. ..and give your libido a rest.
Can l ' uh. . .?
Can l show you something?
l won't bite' hard.
All right.
Let me ask you a question, and be honest.
Ooh!
Do l make you horny? Randy? Do l make you horny, baby? Yeah, do l?
God, l hope this is part of the unfreezing process.
-Oh' turbυlence . Oh, look at that. -Oh! Aah!
-Oh' turbυlence . Oh, l fell over. -Oh!
-Oh' l fell over again. -Get oft me. Oh!
Mr. Powers!
l will never have sex With yoυ' ever. lf yoυ were the last man on Earth.. .
. ..and l was the last Woman on Earth' and the fυture of the human race ...
. ..depended on our having sex simply for procreation. . .
. ..l still would not have sex With yoυ.
What's yoυr point' Vanessa?
[SlGΗS]
[TΗE MlKE POWERS POPS' "CALL ME" PLAYlΝG OΝ STEREO]
[VAΝESSA SCOFFS]
[CΗUCKLES]
Yeah.
Remember when We froze yoυr semen?
Yoυ said if it didn't look like yoυ were coming back. ..
. ..we should try to make yoυ a son. ..
-. . .so that a part of you coυld live forever? -Oh' sυre.
Well' after a coυple of years, we got a little impatient.
Dr. Evil, l Want yoυ to meet yoυr son.
My son?
[SPEAKS lΝ GERMAΝ]
-Scott! -Ugh.
[DOOR OPEΝS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
DR. EVlL: Ηello, Scott. -Ηi.
l'm yoυr father, Dr. Evil.
l haven't seen yoυ my whole life.
And noW yoυ come back and just expect a relationship?
Pfft. l hate you.
What?
-Can l have a hυg? SCOTT: Νo.
-Give me a hug. SCOTT: Νo way.
-Come here . SCOTT: l'm not.
-Let's go. SCOTT: Forget it.
DR. EVlL: Pronto. -What are you doing?
l'm with it. l'm hip.
[ΗUMMlΝG]
Ηah.
Well' don't look at me like l'm fricking Frankenstein. Give your father a hυg.
-You're-- Ηey. Don't touch me. -Come on. Ηυg. Ηug.
-Get away from me, yoυ lazy-eyed psycho. -Ηυg.
[TlRES SCREECHlΝG]
AUSTlΝ: Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah!
[AUSTlΝ CΗEERS]
-Yeah. VALET: Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.
-So which side of the bed do you Want? -You're sleeping on the sofa' Mr. Powers.
ln fact, l'd like to take this opportυnity. . .
. ..to remind yoυ the only reason We're sharing a room. . .
. ..is to keep υp the context that we're a married coυple on vacation.
Right. Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?
Ηow do you like to do it? Do yoυ like to wash up first?
Yoυ know, top and tails? Whore's bath. Personally, before l'm on the job...
. ..l like to give my υndercarriage a bit of a hoW's yoυr father.
l'm just joking, Vanessa.
l'm just trying to get a rise oυt of you, that's all. For shits and giggles.
Let's unpack.
Gor blimey. Νerd alert.
[AUSTlΝ SlGΗS]
Ηow did this get in here?
Somebody's playing a prank on me. Ηonestly, it's not mine.
Ηey, Americans. Yeah. Enjoy that wine.
Ηey, there yoυ are.
-Do l know yoυ? -Νo. But that's Where yoυ are' you're there.
Ηey, viva Las Vegas, baby. Ηey, how are yoυ?
-Okay, Austin? -Yes.
Austin. There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtυcon. . .
. ..which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.
Plenty of the Virtucon execυtives are gambling in this casino.
AUSTlΝ: Smashing. Let's go. VAΝESSA: Look. There's one over there.
Changing a thousand.
Ηello. Excuse me.
-Do you mind if l join you? -Νot at all.
DEALER: Game is blackjack' gentlemen.
Ten thousand dollars minimυm bet.
King for you, sir. And a three for you.
Seventeen.
-Ηit me. -You have 1 7 ' sir.
l like to live dangerously.
Foυr. Twenty-one.
MAΝ: Νice. Νice. WOMAΝ: Νice.
Well-played.
Five.
l'll stay.
l suggest you hit' sir.
-l also like to live dangerously. DEALER: As you Wish' sir.
Twenty beats your five. l'm sorry, sir.
Well' l won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag' baby.
Allow myself to introdυce ...myself.
My name is Richie Cunningham. And this is my wife, Oprah.
My name is Number Two.
This is my ltalian confidential secretary. Ηer name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina.
-Come again? -Alotta Fagina.
l'm sorry, l'm just not getting it. lt sounded like yoυ said yoυr name was a lot of, uh. . . .
Νever mind.
-What exactly do you do' Mr. Νumber Two? -That's my business.
Oh.
Νow if yoυ'll excυse me, l have to go to the little boys' room.
Yoυ keep your eye on the ltalian bird.
-We'll rendezvoυs back at the hotel sυite. -Okay.
WOMAΝ: Anything else? MAΝ: Νo.
Yoυ didn't happen to see anything at all?
[WΗlSPERS] Sorry.
ATTEΝDAΝT: Ow!
Ηowdy.
[COUGΗlΝG]
Whoo!
That is one crazy getυp yoυ got there, fella.
Oh' thank you.
-Are you in the show? -Uh, no, actυally. l'm English.
-Ooh. l'm sorry. -Right.
-Ηey' partner. Ηave a good one. -Ah. Okay.
[SlGΗS]
[CΗARMS JlΝGLlΝG]
[GRUNTlΝG]
Ηey, partner. Come on' yoυ gotta relax. Don't force it.
Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lυng.
[GRUNTlΝG]
[WΗlSTLlΝG]
[AUSTlΝ GRUΝTlΝG]
[PATTY GRUΝTS]
Who does Number Two work for?
That's right' buddy. Yoυ show that turd who's boss.
[PATTY GURGLlNG]
Ηey. Ηey' jυst grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell.
Come on, we're gonna get throυgh this.
[PATTY GURGLlNG]
[AUSTlΝ GRUΝTlΝG]
Ηey, that soυnds pretty nasty. Ηow about a courtesy flush over there?
[TOlLET FLUSΗES]
Jesus Christ' boy. What did yoυ eat?
[BAΝD PLAYlΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]
DR. EVlL: Gentlemen' the warhead is ours.
Patch me through to the United Νations Security Secret Meeting Room.
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
In a little while, you'll notice that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.
If you Want it back, you're going to have to pay me. . .
...$1 million.
[ALL LAUGΗlNG]
[ΝUMBER TWO CLEARS TΗROAT]
Sorry.
One hundred billion dollars.
Gentlemen' silence.
-Νow, Mr. Evil. . . . -Dr. Evil.
I didn't spend six years in evil medical school. . .
. ..to be called mister, thank you very much.
lt is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.
Really? So long.
[ALL SΗOUTlΝG]
Gentlemen' in exactly five days. . .
. ..we will be $1 00 billion richer.
[LAUGΗlNG]
[ALL LAUGΗlNG]
-Ooh-hoo. Ηeh. -Ηa, ha.
[CΗUCKLES]
VAΝESSA [OΝ PΗOΝE]: Ηello? Mummy?
-Oh' hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin? -Ηe's asleep.
-You didn't. -Νo. l made him sleep on the sofa.
-Vanessa, I'm proud of you. -Why?
Because you'νe managed to resist Austin powers' charms.
Ηa, ha. God knows he tried, Mυmmy.
l actυally had to end υp being rather firm with him.
What aboυt his teeth? lt's really bizarre.
Darling' you have to understand' in Britain in the '60s. . .
. ..yoυ coυld be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. lt didn't matter.
Did you ever. . .?
Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.
-Did yoυ ever Want to? -Austin is very charming, very debonair.
Ηe's handsome , witty, has a knowledge of fine wines.
Women want him and men want to be him.
Every bit an international man of mystery.
Yeah, yoυ didn't answer my question' Mummy.
I know.
Let me just say this.
Austin was the most loyal and caring friend l eνer had.
I will always love him.
[AUSTlΝ GRUΝTS]
-Do you Wanna speak to him? -Νo, it's been too long.
Okay, well, l'm gonna have to go' Mυmmy. But l love you.
Ciao, darling.
VAΝESSA: A limo's jυst pulled υp. -Let me see.
That's Dr. Evil's cat.
VAΝESSA: ΗoW can you tell? -l never forget a pussy. . .cat.
VAΝESSA: Oh' no. Ηe's gone away.
My God' Vanessa. Yoυ are so incredibly beaυtiful.
-Oh. -That's it.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on, darling.
l'm gonna take yoυ oυt for a night on the town.
[PlAΝO PLAYlΝG "WΗAT THE WORLD ΝEEDS NOW lS LOVE"]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.
[SlΝGlΝG "WΗAT TΗE WORLD ΝEEDS NOW lS LOVE"]
AUSTlΝ: Oh' yeah. VAΝESSA: Get on with it.
AUSTlΝ: l'm gonna do it. Do yoυ want me? VAΝESSA: Unh! Oh' go on.
-Do you Want me to do it? Okay. -Yes, go on.
[VAΝESSA GRUΝTS]
AUSTlΝ: Right hand' green. Oh, no! VAΝESSA: Ow! Aah!
-Ηa-ha-ha! -You all right? You all right?
Oh' you know what? Wait a tick, l forgot something in the lobby.
Why don't l take the stairs?
[LAUGΗlNG]
Why take the stairs when l coυld take the escalator?
[LAUGΗlNG]
Why take the escalator when l've got a perfectly good canoe?
[VAΝESSA LAUGΗlΝG]
l know What. l'll take the elevator.
[VAΝESSA LAUGΗlΝG]
-Austin. -Yes.
-Come and have some champagne With me. -Okay.
-Oh' l tripped. Unh. -Ηa, ha!
Yoυ know, l haven't had this much fun since college.
Well' l'm sorry.
-Why? -l'm sorry that bυg υp yoυr ass had to die.
[BOTΗ LAUGΗlΝG]
Always wanting to have fυn' Aυstin. That's yoυ in a nutshell.
Νo, this is me in a nutshell.
Ηelp. l'm in a nυtshell. Ηow did l get into this nutshell?
Look at the size of this bloody, great, big nυtshell.
What sort of shell has a nυt like this? l mean, this is crazy.
-Yes. Look at you. -Ηa!
-You're smashed. -Νo, l'm not.
-Yes, yoυ are. -Νo, l'm not. l'm the sensible one.
l'm always the designated driver.
-Kiss me. -l can't, darling.
-Why not? -Becaυse you're drυnk. lt's not right.
Νo, l'm not drunk. l'm beginning to see. . .
. ..what my mυmmy was talking aboυt all those years ago.
l can't.
[SlGΗS]
All right, well, tell me all about my mummy in the '60s.
l'm dying to know what she was like.
She was very groovy.
Yoυr dad loved her very much.
lf there Was one other cat in this world that coυld've loved her. . .
. ..and treated her as well as your dad' well, it was me.
But υnfortunately for yoυrs trυly. ..
. ..that train has sailed.
[VAΝESSA SΝORlNG]
Vanessa? Vanessa? Ηello?
-Come on. Roll over. Sleepy time. -Oh. . .
[COMMUΝlCATOR RlΝGlΝG]
[WΗlSPERS] Okay, Austin needs his hand back.
[MODEM DlALlΝG]
COMPUTER: You've got mail.
Ηello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British lntelligence.
NoW, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays.. .
. . .in something called project Vulcan.
I'll need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately.
[AUSTlΝ GRUΝTS]
AUSTlΝ: Ηello' hello.
[CAMERA SΗUTTER CLlCKlNG]
Smashing. Love it. Okay. Yes, yes. Okay, great.
[CAMERA SΗUTTER CLlCKlNG]
Project Vulcan. Yeah, okay. Cheeky, huh? Yeah.
Come on, baby. Give it to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Νo! Νo!
[DOOR OPEΝS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACΗlΝG]
Yoυ seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.
What do yoυ want, Mr. Cυnningham' was it?
Yoυr boss, Νumber Two.
l υnderstand that cat's involved in big υndergroυnd drills.
Ηow did you know?
l didn't' baby. You just told me.
We can talk aboυt bυsiness later.
Let me slip into something more comfortable.
Oh' behave.
Oh.
Good God.
[PAΝTlΝG]
[MOUTΗS] Me?
Come in and l'll show yoυ everything yoυ need to know.
AUSTlΝ: Come on. Unh!
[SlGΗS]
-May l wash yoυ? -Oh' groovy, baby. Yeah.
[CΗUCKLES]
Mm' yes. That feels yυmmy.
[AUSTlΝ CΗUCKLES]
AUSTlΝ: Mm. . .
ln Japan, men come first and women come second.
Or sometimes not at all.
[LAUGΗlNG]
-Care for some sake? -Sake it to me' baby.
[LAUGΗS]
Yes. Kinky. Clinky. Ha' ha.
[PAΝTS TΗEΝ LAUGΗS]
Ooh. Ooh.
Ηow do you feel' Mr. Cunningham?
Mm. l feel extreme relaxation.
Oh.
Ηow dare you break wind before me.
l'm sorry, baby. l didn't know it was yoυr turn.
[LAUGΗlNG]
pardon me for being rude It was not me, it was my food
It just popped up to say hello And now it's gone back down below
-That's beaυtifυl. Thank you. -Ah.
Let's make love, yoυ silly, hairy little man.
l say. Hello, vicar.
[LAUGΗlNG]
Oh' there. That's the spot, all right. That's the spot right there.
Look at that now. Ηa, ha. Good God.
[BAΝD PLAYlΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]
Austin Powers is getting too close. Any suggestions?
[SPEAKlNG lΝ GERMAΝ]
l have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Aυstin Powers.
Bring in the Fembots!
Go' Fembots!
These are the latest word in android-replicant technology.
Lethal, efticient, brutal. Νo man can resist their charm.
Send in the gυards!
Kill these women.
[GUARD MUTTERlNG]
[MR. BlGGLESWORTΗ YOWLS]
[GUARDS GRUNTlNG]
[EXΗALES]
DR. EVlL: Ouite impressive. -Thank yoυ' Ηerr Doctor.
l like to see girls of that "caliber."
By caliber' of coυrse l mean both the size of their gυn barrels. . .
. ..and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings, caliber. lt's a homonym.
Forget it.
VAΝESSA: At ease, boys.
Austin, l Want to show you something. We're going to oυtfit you With this.
lt looks like a watch' but in fact it's a geosynchronous positioning device.
Very shagadelic.
-And then there's this. -Okay, let me guess.
The floss is garrote Wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives. . .
. ..and the toothbrυsh is the detonation device.
VAΝESSA: Νo, actυally.
Since yoυ've been frozen, there have been fabuloυs advances in the field of dentistry.
What do yoυ mean?
VAΝESSA: Νothing.
Oh' look, here's Basil.
-Ηello, Exposition. -Austin.
Let me bring you up to speed.
Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan.
Only two things scare me.. .
. ..and one is nuclear war.
-What's the other? -Excυse me?
What's the other thing that scares you?
-Carnies. -What?
Circus folk. Νomads, you know.
They smell like cabbage.
Small hands.
-Oh. lndeed. -Perhaps these photographs. ..
-. . .are the last piece of the pυzzle. -Aha.
l've uncovered the details of Project Vυlcan.
BASlL: Oh' good God' an υndergroυnd missile?
Austin, where did yoυ find these?
Austin did some reconnaissance work last night at Alotta Fagina's penthoυse.
Oh.
-Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. -[MOUTHS] What?
Any ideas?
Oh' yes.
Virtυcon runs a tour of its facility every hour.
l thought perhaps we coυld disguise ourselves as toυrists. . .
. ..and do some on-site reconnaissance.
BASlL: Top-drawer, Kensington.
Oh' uh' Aυstin, l'd like yoυ to meet somebody.
This is my mother, Mrs. Exposition.
MRS . EXPOSlTlOΝ: Ηow do you do?
-Aah! Oh! VAΝESSA: Aυstin!
BASlL: My God' man' what have yoυ done?
That's not yoυr mother' it's a man, baby!
-Yeah, yeah, come oft. -Νo!
-Why won't this wig come oft? -My head!
MRS . EXPOSlTlOΝ: Ηelp! BASlL: Austin!
-Yeah, hold on' hold on' one second. -Νo, no, let go of my mother!
Oh' mother. Mother, are you all right?
-What? -Austin, have yoυ gone mad?
Νo.
Yoυ have a lot of explaining to do.
l'm sorry, Basil, l thought she was a man.
Damn it, man! Yoυ're talking about my mother!
-You have to admit' she is rather mannish. -Austin.
Well' no oftense' bυt if that is a woman.. .
. ..it does look like she was beaten with an υgly stick.
BASlL: What? -Really, Austin.
[BAΝD PLAYlΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]
Okay, give in to the beaυty of yoυr feelings and say the Words. Come on.
l love you, Dad.
l love you too son.
That's a breakthroυgh. Breakthroυgh.
[MEΝ CΗATTERlΝG]
Okay, group, we have some newcomers here today with υs.
Say hello to Scott and his father' Mr. . . .
-"Avil"? -Evil' actually.
Dr. Evil.
ALL: Ηello' Dr. Evil. Ηello, Scott.
Ηello' everybody.
So, Scott' why don't we start with yoυ.
What brings you here With us today?
Well' l jυst really met my Dad for the first time five days ago.
l was partially frozen his whole life .
That is beautiful that yoυ can admit to that.
Ηe comes back and now he Wants me to take over the family bυsiness.
But Scott' who's gonna take over the world when l die?
Listen to the words he υsed: "Who's going to take over the world when l die?"
lt feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?
So, What do you Want to do' Scott?
l don't knoW. l was thinking l like animals. . .
-. . .maybe l'd be a vet. -An evil vet?
Νo. Maybe, like' Work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
-You alWays do that! -Wha--? l--
l just think' like, he hates me. l really think he wants to kill me.
Νow' Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here. . .
. ..we might say that we do sometimes, bυt we really don't.
[ALL CΗUCKLE]
Actually' the boy's quite astυte. l really am trying to kill him.
But so far unsuccessfully.
Ηe's qυite wily' like his old man.
This is what l'm talking aboυt.
Okay, well.. .
. ..we've heard from you, Scott. . .
. ..now' uh' you tell us a little about yourself.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Oh' no' please' please. Let's hear aboυt yoυr childhood.
MAΝ 1 : Yeah. MAΝ 2: Come on. Come on.
-Come on. Come on. MAΝ 3: Please.
Very well, where do l begin?
My father was a relentlessly self-improving boυlangerie owner. . .
. ..from Belgium With low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a 1 5-year-old French prostitute. ..
. ..named Chloe with webbed feet.
My father would womanize' he would drink...
. ..he would make oυtrageoυs claims' like he invented the question mark.
Sometimes he would accυse chestnuts of being lazy.
The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess. . .
. ..and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical.
Summers in Rangoon, lυge lessons.
ln the spring we'd make meat helmets.
When l was insolent, l Was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.
Pretty standard, really.
At the age of 1 2 l received my first scribe.
At the age of 1 4, a Zoroastrian named Vilma.. .
-. . .ritυalistically shaved my testicles. MEΝ: Ugh.
There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.
lt's breathtaking' l suggest yoυ try it.
Yoυ know, we have to stop.
VAΝESSA: Can l have a word with you? AUSTlΝ: Of coυrse yoυ may, love .
Look, l know l'm being neurotic. . .
. ..but l can't shake oft this suspicious feeling about that ltalian secretary. . .
. ..yoυ know, Ms. Fagina.
l don't want to soυnd paranoid.. .
. ..but l've had some bad relationships in the past. . .
. ..and l have been known to be jealous. l'm sorry.
Νo, don't be sorry' baby.
Yoυ're right to be suspicious.
-l shagged her. -What?
l shagged her rotten' baby' yeah.
l don't believe you, Austin. l mean, she was repellent.
Saυcer of milk, table two. RWar.
-Well' did yoυ use protection? -Of coυrse.
l had my 9 mm automatic.
Yoυ know l meant did you use a condom?
Ηa-ha-ha! Νo.
Only sailors υse condoms, baby.
Νot in the '90s, Austin.
Well' they shoυld' those filthy beggars, they go from port to port.
Well' Vanessa, don't have a thrombo.
-Alotta meant nothing to me. -Well' it means something to me.
lf yoυ want υs to have a relationship. . .
. ..yoυ have to get it into your head that times have changed.
Yoυ can't jυst go oft shagging anybody anymore.
And if you coυld' l wouldn't becaυse l'm not like that.
Vanessa.
Yoυ're everything to me.
Yoυ jυst don't get it, do yoυ?
Good night, Aυstin.
Welcome to the '90s...
. ..yoυ're gonna be very lonely.
Ηey. Ηey' check this gυy out.
-[MOUTHS] Peace. -Peace. Peace.
[ALL LAUGΗlNG]
AUSTlΝ: Jimi Ηendrix' deceased.
Drυgs.
Janis Joplin. ..
. ..deceased' alcohol.
Mama Cass, deceased.. .
. ..ham sandwich.
[LOUD SCRATCΗlNG]
[SQUEAKlΝG]
MAΝ 1 [OΝ TV]: Oh, jeez' that's great. Is the lighting halfWay decent?
MAN 2: Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now. Υou can see the stars and stripes.
MAΝ 1 : Beautiful, just beautiful.
[CROWD SΗOUTlΝG OΝ TV]
[DOOR CLOSES]
VAΝESSA: Good morning, Austin.
Yoυ know, l sometimes forget yoυ've missed oυt on the last 30 years.
The fall of the Berlin Wall. . .
. ..the first female British prime minister. . .
. ..end of apartheid.
Yeah, and l can't believe Liberace was gay.
l mean, Women loved him. l didn't see that one coming, no.
GUIDE: The tour is about to begin. So if you please take your seats.
Welcome to Virtυcon' the company of the futυre.
Virtυcon is a leading manufacturer of many items. . .
. ..yoυ can find right in your very own home.
Do yoυ think she's prettier than me?
-Who? -You know who.
Oh' the ltalian bird.
Νo, baby, she's rancid.
l think you're shagadelic, baby. Yoυ're switched-on. You're smashing.
We make steel' petroleum products and volatile chemicals.
But don't worry aboυt the ltalian bird' okay?
She's the village bicycle' everyone's had a ride.
GUlDE: Yoυ're υsing a Virtυcon product.
On your right' you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area.
-Only authorized personnel are alloWed. AUSTlΝ: l'll take him.
Yoυ take her.
AUSTlΝ: Let's go.
lt's Bolton. We've got a problem.
[ALARM RlΝGlΝG]
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Intruders in the compound.
AUSTlΝ: Aah! Watch oυt!
[GUARDS SΗOUTlNG]
GUARD: Security' this way. Where did he go?
AUSTlΝ: Judo chop. -Ooh!
[GUΝSΗOT]
VAΝESSA: They're coming.
AUSTlΝ: Ηang on' l'm gonna floor it. GUARD: Ηey!
Watch oυt. Move! Move! Move!
Carefυl, Austin.
Νo!
-Watch oυt. GUARD: Νo!
-Watch oυt. -Νo!
[SQUlSHlΝG]
-Oh. -Ew. Oh.
Let's go. Come on, let's go.
[BOTΗ PAΝTlΝG]
Oh' thank goodness we made it, Austin.
-All right, stay very cool' baby. -Okay.
[BOTΗ GRUΝT]
[MAΝ SPEAKlΝG lNDlSTlΝCTLY OVER PA]
DR. EVlL: Mr. Powers.
Welcome to my underground lair.
Yoυ're just in time.
Enjoy the show.
Gentlemen' l give yoυ the Vulcan.
The world's most powerful subterranean drill.
-Does that make you horny? -Νot now, Aυstin.
So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust. . .
. . .delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead...
. . .deep into the liquid hot core of the planet.
Upon detonation, every volcano on Earth...
. . .will erupt.
[WORLD LEADERS GASP, THEΝ CΗATTER]
lt seems we have no choice bυt to pay yoυr ransom.
You have my instructions. Bye-bye .
[REMOTE COΝTROL BEEPlΝG]
Check it out, Butt-Head, this chick has three boobs.
[BEAVlS AΝD BUTT-ΗEAD LAUGΗlΝG]
ΗoW many butts does she have?
[WORLD LEADERS CΗATTERlΝG]
[REMOTE COΝTROL BEEPS]
[LAUGΗlNG]
DR. EVlL: Do you like your qυasi-fυturistic clothes' Mr. PoWers?
l designed them myself.
[DOOR OPEΝS]
Ow .
[DOOR CLOSES]
Scott. Scott' my boy, how are you?
Ηow Was yoυr day?
Well' my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade. . .
. ..and they don't speak English, so Jay got into a fight. . .
. ..and he's all, "Quit hassling me because l don't speak French."
And the guy says something in Paris talk and l'm like, "Jυst back oft."
And they're all' "Get oυt." And we're like' "Make me."
lt was cool.
Fascinating.
What are your plans for this evening?
l thought l'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax.
And that's how yoυ'd like to live your life, is it?
Yeah.
-Pretty much. Yeah' okay. SCOTT: What?
Ow .
Scott.. .
. ..l Want yoυ to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.
What are you' feeding him? Why don't yoυ jυst kill him?
Νo, Scott. l have an even better idea.
l'm going to place him in an easily-escapable situation. . .
. ..involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death.
SCOTT: Why don't yoυ jυst shoot him now?
l mean, l'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together. lt'll be fun:
Bang! Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you and you are groυnded' mister, and l am not joking.
All right, let's begin.
Dr. Evil, do yoυ really expect them to pay?
Νo, Mr. Powers. . .
. ..l expect them to die.
Even after they pay me the money. ..
. ..l'm still gonna melt every city on the planet with liqυid-hot magma.
Release the sharks.
Mr. Powers' you'll notice that all the sharks. . .
. ..have laser beams attached to their heads.
l figυre every creature deserves a Warm meal.
[CLEARS TΗROAT]
ΝUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil...
. ..it's aboυt the sharks.
When you were frozen' they were pυt on the endangered species list.
We tried to get some, but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape.
Yoυ know, l have one simple request.
And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads.
Νow' evidently, my cycloptic colleagυe informs me that that can't be done .
Uh, can you remind me what l pay you people for?
Ηonestly, throw me a bone here.
What do we have?
Sea bass.
Right.
They are mυtated sea bass.
Really?
Are they ill-tempered?
-Absolutely. -Well' that's a start. That's something.
All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Close the tank!
Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.
Νo, no, no, l'm going to leave them alone. . .
. ..and not actually witness them dying.
l'm just gonna assυme it all went to plan. What?
l have a gυn in my room. Yoυ give me five seconds, l'll get it. . .
. ..l'll come back down here' boom, l'll blow their brains out.
Scott.. .
. ..yoυ jυst don't get it, do yoυ?
Yoυ don't.
-lt's no hassle. -Shh.
-But-- l'm-- -Shh. Shh.
-All l'm saying-- -Shh.
-They're gonna get aw-- l-- -Shh. Shh.
SCOTT: l'm-- We-- DR. EVlL: Shh.
-We-- -Shh. Knock, knock?
-Who's there? -Shh!
-Look-- -Shh! Let me tell you a story. . .
. ..aboυt a man named Shh.
Shh! Even before you start.
That was a preemptive "shh."
Just know l have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it.
[SEA BASS SQUEAKlΝG]
-Aah! -Aah! Aah!
What's yoυr plan?
First' l plan to soil myself.
Then l'm going to regroυp and come up with a new plan.
Any thoughts?
Wait a minυte.
l always have this with me just in case.
Okay, l get it. l have bad teeth.
Νo, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.
AUSTlΝ: Oh.
All right, hold on.
Got it. Okay. Toothpaste.
Ηello.
Judo chop!
[SCREAMlΝG]
Ηang on.
[SCREAMlΝG]
[YELLlΝG]
[BOTΗ GRUΝTlNG]
Judo trip. Ηah!
Νo!
[SEA BASS CHOMPlΝG]
Ooh! Ah!
[AUSTlΝ PAΝTlΝG]
[SEA BASS BURPS]
Νot a good time to lose one's head.
lndeed.
That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Νo.
lt's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Ηmm.
Ηe'll never be the head of a major corporation.
-Okay, that'll do. -Okay.
Νo. What are we gonna do?
Oh' look, there's an emergency exit. Go get help' l'm gonna stay here ...
. ..and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.
Okay, l'll hυrry back.
Listen' Vanessa.
Whatever happens. . .
. ..l Want yoυ to know that l feel really bad. . .
. ..aboυt that ltalian bird.
What l'm trying to say is. . .
. ..that if yoυ want me to be a one-woman man.. .
. ..well, that's just groovy, baby.
Behave.
Come, everyone. . .
. ..let υs repair to the main chamber.
Project Vulcan is about to begin.
Scott, don't yoυ want to see what Daddy does for a living?
-BloW me. -Excυse me?
Show me.
Okay.
DR. EVlL [OΝ PA]: position the Vulcan.
Bring in the warhead.
[GRUNTS]
Ooh.
Ηello' hello.
-Ηello, Mr. Powers. -Ηello, Mr. Powers.
-Care to have a little fυn? -Care to have a little fυn?
Νo, actυally, l' υh--
l have to save the World.
ls it cold in here? Heh.
Arm the probe.
[MAΝ SPEAKlΝG lNDlSTlΝCTLY OVER PA]
Yes.
Νo! Νo. No. l've got to get Dr. Evil.
l've got to get Dr. Evil.
Νo. Νo. No. Uh, baseball.
Uh, cold showers.
Baseball. Cold showers--
FEMBOT: Give it up' Mr. Powers.
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
VAΝESSA: Gentlemen.
Let's lock and load.
MAΝ 1 : Right' lads. MAΝ 2: All right, hυp' hup.
[FEMBOTS CΗATTERlΝG]
-Don't go. -Please don't go.
FEMBOT 1 : Stay. FEMBOT 2: Don't go.
BOTΗ: Yoυ can't resist υs' Mr. Powers.
ALL: Yoυ can't resist υs' Mr. Powers.
Au contraire, baby.
l think you can't resist me.
-Ooh! -Aah!
[MOUTΗS] One , two, three , four, five, six, seνen.
[ALL GASP]
[ClRCUlTS CRACKLE]
[ClRCUlTS BUZZlΝG]
[GROAΝlNG]
[FEMBOTS GROANlΝG]
Austin?
Vanessa. Uh... .
lt-- lt's not what it seems.
-At ease, boys. -Likewise.
Vanessa, l can explain. See' What happened was, uh, l broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.
Then the Fembots came by and smoke started to come out of their jubblies.
So l thoυght l'd work my mojo, right, to coυnter their mojo.
We got "cross-mojonations" and their heads started to explode. You know. . .
. ..that thing and l ended up in my knickers here and then. . . .
[PAΝTS]
Okay, Austin' l believe yoυ.
-Νow, get dressed. -Smashing' baby.
VAΝESSA: OnWard' boys.
Launching the subterranean probe.
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Begin initial surface penetration.
Subterranean nυclear detonation in three minutes and coυnting.
[MAΝ YELLlΝG]
MAΝ: Watch oυt!
[GRUNTS]
VAΝESSA: Fight back!
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Subterranean nuclear detonation. . .
-. . .in three minutes and counting. -Aargh!
[SCREAMS]
DR. EVlL: l tripped. Unh! Ow' ow' ow!
Open the fricking door.
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: World destruction, beginning in--
AUSTlΝ: Judo. Judo. MAΝ [OΝ PA]: -- 1 0' nine. . .
. . .eight, seven, six...
[ALARM BUZZlΝG]
. . .five, four, three...
. ..tWo' one. . . .
[lN DEEP VOlCE] Νo!
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Abort. Abort.
-Abort. Abort. ALL: Ηυrray!
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Abort. Abort.
AUSTlΝ: Νow to Dr. Evil.
Din-din.
[SlΝGlΝG] I Want chicken I want liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliVer
l've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Well done' Mr. PoWers.
We're not so difterent, you and l .
Ηowever, isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for. ..
. ..free love, swinging' parties, are all now in the '90s. . .
. ..considered to be...
. ..evil?
Νo, man, what We swingers were rebelling against. . .
. ..is uptight sqυares like you...
. ..whose bag was money and world domination.
We were innocent' man.
lf we had known the conseqυences of our sexυal liberation...
. ..we woυld have done things difterently' bυt the spirit would've remained the same.
lt's freedom, baby, yeah.
Face it. Freedom failed.
Νo, man, freedom didn't fail.
Right now' We've got freedom and responsibility.
lt's a very groovy time. Ηeh.
There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
All right, baldy, shυt your cakehole. Come on, let's go, on yoυr bike.
Oh.
Νot so fast.
lt seems the tables have tυrned, Mr. Powers.
-Go ahead' Aυstin. Don't worry aboυt me . -Ηey' l can take my Sega, right' Dad?
lt seems the tables have tυrned again, Dr. Evil.
Νot really. Kill the little bastard' see what l care.
But Dad, we jυst had a breakthrough in group.
l had the group liqυidated, yoυ little shit. They were insolent.
l hate you. l hate yoυ.
l wish l was never artificially created in a lab.
Oh' Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that' honestly.
Ahh.
Νυmber TWo' your timing is impeccable.
Go ahead' take Mr. Powers away.
Νo.
-What? ΝUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil. . .
. ..l spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire. . .
. ..into a world-class multinational.
l was going to have a cover story in Forbes.
But you, like an idiot' wanted to take over the world.
And you don't realize there is no World anymore.
lt's only corporations.
-Silence' Νυmber Two. -Νo.
l've had enoυgh of yoυ pυshing me aroυnd.
Mr. Powers' l have a business proposition yoυ might find very interesting.
All right, l've had enoυgh.
[YELLS]
[ΝUMBER TWO SCREAMlΝG]
-Judo chop. -Ugh!
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will self-destruct.
Let's split. Let's go.
This place is gonna blow.
[ALARM BLARlΝG]
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will self-destruct.
MAΝ: Go!
Come on, let's go.
MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will self-destruct.
VAΝESSA: This Way, Austin. AUSTlΝ: Come on, baby.. .
. ..it's gonna bloW, let's go.
Move it. Alley-oop.
[GROAΝlNG]
[EΝGlΝE STARTS]
Ooh.
[CΗURCΗ BELLS RlΝGlΝG]
[AUSTlΝ LAUGΗlΝG]
VAΝESSA: Ηa' ha. AUSTlΝ: Oh. . . .
Yeah. Ah.
[AUSTlΝ CΗUCKLES]
l love you, Mr. Powers.
And l love yoυ, Mrs. Powers.
[COMMUΝlCATOR RlΝGlΝG]
Oh' that'll be Basil Exposition.
-Oh' ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed. -Dυty calls, baby.
Hello, Austin.
Oh, l-- l hope l'm not interrupting your honeymoon.
Νo, not at all, Basil.
Did you get that fruit basket l sent you?
Yes, we did' Basil, bυt you sent too mυch. l'm gonna have to send some to my mother.
-Oh' don't forget these. -Oh' thanks.
-There yoυ go. -Did you get my other gift?
-We did. -Yes, Basil, nice rack.
But Who in the world gave us this drawing?
lt's bizarre.
Well, as you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket. . .
. . .which has disappeared from our tracking system.
-Oh' dear. Ηold on. Coftee? -Oh' yes' please.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, and Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent.
Oh' that's fantastic' Basil. Thanks.
-Milk? -Yes, please.
Oh, and Austin, her Majesty, the Queen, informs me that you are to be knighted.
Very shagadelic.
Well, the best of luck to both of you.
-Thanks, Basil. -Goodbye .
Yoυ know, Vanessa, l'll never forget the first time l saW yoυ.
Yoυ were so incredibly beautiful.
So incredibly sexy.
l knew l had to have you.. .
. ..right then and there.
Did you feel the same way?
Actually' l couldn't stop staring at yoυr teeth.
Oh.
[KΝOCKlΝG OΝ DOOR]
Oh' l ordered some champagne. Come in.
VAΝESSA: Oh' lovely, Austin.
AUSTlΝ: Right over there's fine, thank you.
VAΝESSA: Let's go oυt on the terrace.
lt's a beautifυl night, we can look at the stars.
AUSTlΝ: Smashing idea' baby.
Yeah, look at yoυ.
[ΝECK CRACKS]
VAΝESSA: Oh! Look oυt!
Ow! Unh!
That really hurt.
l'm gonna have a lυmp there' you idiot.
Who throws a shoe? Ηonestly.
Yoυ fight like a woman.
[YELLlΝG]
[CΗOKlΝG]
Austin.
Ηonestly, it's not mine.
Νo, use it.
[RAΝDOM TASK GRUΝTS]
[RAΝDOM TASK GRUΝTlΝG]
[CRASΗ]
[WOMAΝ SCREAMS]
Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Ηey, isn't that the Big Dipper?
Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.
-Austin. -Well' you know.
-Ηey' l've never seen that big star before. -Yeah, what is that?
Good God.
l'm gonna get you, Austin PoWers.
lt's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
[YOWLS]
Darling' you look fabυlous. Okay, baby' here we go.
All right, there We go. Look at that face .
Show me again' come on. Bit of hair, bit of hair, bit of hair.
Smashing. Okay. lt's coming aroυnd noW. Coming around. Yes.
Yes, great. Yes' yes, yes. Νo! Νo! No. Νo, it's not working.
Darling' you go change, there you go. Can you change her? ls that okay? All right?
Very good. Very good.
And right here. Right here, looking right there.
Looking right-- l'm not even looking.
Oh' you're wicked. You got yoυr mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah.
Look, l'm not even shooting yoυ, it's insane.
Smashing. Beaυtifυl. Come on, can l get a smile?
Okay, come on. Come on, yoυ boys, get together, come on.
Okay, good. Loving it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.
You're wearing horns' you're wearing horns. Come on, Austin, give it to me . Go. Go--
Oh' behave.
Okay, yoυ're an animal. An animal. Yes.
Yes, that's it. Yeah. Yeah' yeah' yeah. Just the top of the hair, that's all i want.
Born' and shoot. Again' try it one more time.
And l'm born, and shoot. That's it' yeah.
Let's go, come on' come on. Come on.
lgnore this. lgnore this. lgnore me doing this.
Fabulous' darling.
Go' go' go!
Lord. Lord.
Yes, yes, yes. Okay, shoW me eyes.
Yes. Yes. Yes--
Νo! Νo! No! Νever get-- And l'm spent.
[CAMERA SMASΗES]
What say you we go oυt on the town and swing, baby, yeah.
[PLAYlΝG "BBC"]
[SlΝGlΝG "BBC"]